Day 37: Social Amphetamine Passion Stoics

Yesterday gave me the *expectation* that if I sleep in slightly later I will always feel okay. This wasn’t the case today. Sort of woke up around 8:30am, feeling pretty foggy and wanting to keep sleeping, but worried about not taking caffeine early enough in the day to not favour phase delays. In retrospect, this is a not-very sense making thing I think? Because I’m not taking afternoon caffeine — all the caffeine should surely be out of my system 15~ hours later when I go to night sleep (when it matters the caffeine is out). But delay in caffeine (eg. At 10:00 rather than 08:00 does impact nap attempt likelihood.)

On the other hand, I’m writing this at 22:30 feeling more alert at this time than I did yesterday… (Yesterday I skipped movie at went straight to sleep.)

My waking up is in general super foggy — you’ll notice a bunch of my wake times as of late have a squiggly next to them. Have I mentioned I’m prone to hallucinations in times of fatigue? Very realistic feeling — I once had one where (I sleep on a bunk bed) someone was on the end of the bed and fell of, and I jerked up in bed trying get them. And on Day 35 it was *extremely* strange where I was watching a movie with my eyes *open* and then *opened my eyes* to keep watching the movie. When did I close my eyes? Excactly!

Re loneliness, interesting phrasing: the Pepe are there, and there are so many people, I just don’t know how to extract the recourse I need from them (comraderie) thus, in my control. Stoic!

I generally need a more stoic attitude to my sleep. On the societal level it is tragic children cannot be left to sleep. On the individual level, self pity doesn’t help me. (Perhaps I can only day this because I am at 7 energy me rather than 4? Energy fluctuation is a cruel thing — like Me could be gone at any moment and replaced with a less motivated, less happy version, with even different value systems… But then again, everything is allowed by physics, and “cruelness” is a property of my map. Welcome to Earth!)

(Title: sounds like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

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