Day 6: Goal Finding

I had a thought while I was running today that I thought was extremely necessary to make explicit:

**The goal is not to wake up, the goal is to wake up feeling okay.**

For the adults who I hopefully eventually show this to, yes I can wake up at 7, in the same way you could at 3. It’s possible, yes, but do you feel okay? Not at all. And that matters, because the goal isn’t to wake up, it’s to wake up feeling okay.

Keep making a person wake up at 7 when they want to wake up four hours earlier and eventually that person’s brain will be so worn down with no relief that they’ll start questioning the point in life, if all the days stretching out ahead are as uniform in drabness as today.

The fallacy of assumingi reality will continue excactly as it has is a common one, though when you take a brain and pound it into mush, it very much loses its ablity to notice this mistake in judgement. It loses its abilty to rationalise, to think of techniques to cope, to bother trying to desperately convince the dozens of adults that hold total dominion over its wellbeing (especially when convincing people of things is something that brain HATES most of all). That’s what happens when you selectively choose which neuroscience to take seriously, and let braincells die. It seems okay, because the kids waking up, are they not?

But the goal isn’t to wake up. It’s to wake up feeling okay.

As for the actual tracking: I theorise I have decreased sensitivity to zeitgibers like sunlight and excercise, which is why my circiadian rhythm isn’t becoming earlier — in fact its becoming later. Today I woke up at roughly 4 am funnily enough. I think because of physical discomfort. I watched netflix for about 40 minutes then went back to “sleep” (it was an oddly, incredibly soothing dosing state) until about 9:30 for a sharp forced awakening due to noise (internet cut out so my white noise didn’t play. Will try to download some white noise to KILL this failure mode forever more.

Excercise is still strenuous as I pump it up, though I can tell my body is VERY much not happy with all the being-inside its doing over the course of the day: it really wants to get out and run throughout the day now too.

Look what you’ve done to me!!

I’m posting this at 22:42, not tired even a little after a disgunly sedentry day. I want to move! I want to cycle! I want to slide down a slide that’s basically a 90 degree drop off! I want this!

Piotr Wozniak’s brains’work schedule is wonderful, though this silly meat cage my brain is in doesn’t want to stay inside this long!

I am not sufficiently respecting protec

One thought on “Day 6: Goal Finding

  1. Peter says:

    There is a substantial risk your actual cycle is not 0:00-9:00 as you hypothesized on Day 1. The only clear answer can come if you fully follow your instincts without much battle. If protected zone seems pointless, you probably want to go to sleep much later. If you wake up at 4 am, you might have gone to sleep too early. It is hard to say. Some people with DSPS need weeks of freedom to “relax” enough to understand their own needs. Until then it is a constant battle with earlier, later, let’s try this, let’s try that … Luckily, you are waging this battle in 2020, not in 1990. We know all the necessary science to figure things out. Collecting data is essential, esp. on when you peak in “misery” (i.e. homeostatic deprivation), when you peak in “fog” (i.e. circadian valleys), and when you explode in energy (even on a bad day). These days, sunlight is useful only in the tropics or in the southern hemisphere. In Europe and in North America, only Neanderthals feel good. The rest are halved unless they have access to bright light sports facilities and the like, and when they sleep as God commanded, not in the “rest of the world” shackles. Keep writing. I the adults cannot hear you, the young generation will empathize and, hopefully, employ it in their own life and for their children. Most of all, stay cool. You need to be able to hear your brain in the noise of the world. The goal should not be to “feel ok”. It must be “to thrive”. That’s the basic human right!

    Like

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